Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize