OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
