i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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