Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
