Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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