i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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