WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
