the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
dude. I can hear the air.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
