My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We were destined to go to rehab together
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
