I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Randomize
