I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
