Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i will never coherently bang her
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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