i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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