Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize