i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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