I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize