it's too hot outside to masturbate.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
