don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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