I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
