We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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