u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
