Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
i think i just lost a toe
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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