I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
