I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
