I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
