I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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