I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
