at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
