i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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