I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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