I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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