Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
