RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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