How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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