On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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