dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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