took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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