remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
