last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
