life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
