Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Randomize
