So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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