I wish I could teleport
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
