I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
i think my cat just said my name.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
