JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
