So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
