i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
