i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
