on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You may now shotgun with the bride
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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