farters have to be the big spoon...
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize