i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
