she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
