Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
