She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
