When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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