im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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