She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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